Sometimes I just refuse to act in my own best interest.
Like the time that I wore gorgeous–but unconscionably painful–shoes when I knew I’d be walking in Manhattan. Suffering for beauty is always a bad idea, but every once in a while I just can’t resist it.
Or New Year’s Eve, when I decided that eating filet mignon with Bearnaise sauce and asparagus with Hollandaise wouldn’t be too much.
Or a few days ago when, against my better judgment, I decided to give the latest movie version of Pride and Prejudice a second chance. I’d had a string of crummy days and what better way to cure malaise than by spending a couple of hours with Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy?
I had tried to watch this movie once before and turned it off. I’ve no interest in cataloging the things I didn’t like–though it must be said, for the record, that it is wholly unacceptable for Mr. Darcy to have stringy hair (no offense to Matthew Macfadyen; I’m sure he’s a fine actor with perfectly adequate hair)–but as I turned it off for the second time, I was left wondering why I would give another chance to something I knew I’d find nothing short of irritating.
Perhaps I’m an eternal optimist. And if that’s the case, as a good Catholic girl (heh), I must believe that I’m not going to hell. Which is good, so long as it doesn’t preclude me from coming across characters like those found in Jackie Kessler’s debut novel, Hell’s Belles. Jackie’s our guest for today’s Virtual Cocktail party and she’s way too witty and smart and charming for me to force you to sit here listening to me babble instead of getting down to business…
Jackie Kessler’s Sex on the Beach
1 oz vodka
3/4 oz peach schnapps
cranberry juice
grapefruit juice
Add vodka and peach schnapps to a highball glass. Fill with equal measures of cranberry juice and grapefruit juice, and stir.
Sex on the Beach. Great way to start the weekend….
KRISTY: What’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever done in high heels?
JACKIE: Well, if you don’t count that time with the corset and handcuffs…
Nah. Got nothing. I’m very boring. The most interesting thing I’ve done in heels is not fall flat on my hiney.
TASHA: You can bring three writers with you to a desert island. Who would you pick?
JACKIE: Wait, are we stranded on the island, like something out of Lost? Is it like a Survivor sort of thing, where we’ll eat bugs and vote each other off? Or is it a seriously demented sort of writer’s retreat? These things matter.
If it’s a “Crap, we’re stranded, better make with the fornication so we can repopulate the Earth (or, you know, the island)” thing, then my three writers would be Neil Gaiman, Chris Moore and Joss Whedon. Of course, I would be too busy being all fangirly to make with the fornicating. (Because
babbling about how much I love their work is SUCH a turn on…)
If it’s a “Survivor” sort of thing, then the writers would be Jaci Burton (have you read SURVIVING DEMON ISLAND? Who better to have in a Survivor situation?), Gena Showalter (who, based on her ATLANTIS works, would be able to summon a bunch of hot mer people to help us out) and MaryJanice Davidson (SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES. Once again, let’s hear it for hot mer people).
If it’s a writer’s retreat scenario, then Heather Brewer (too awesome for words), Richelle Mead (ditto) and Caitlin Kittredge (ditto ditto). And a big honking bottle of Pinot Grigio.
DAVID: Would you ever consider writing a novel in longhand?
JACKIE: Sure, if my computer hacked up a lung or something.
JULIA: Any interesting stories you can share from the research you did for HELL’S BELLES?
JACKIE: You mean like when Loving Husband and I went to a strip club and I paid a feature dancer for an interview (since my LH absolutely refused to get a lap dance)? Or how LH and I would rent movies like STRIPTEASE and fast forward to the stripping parts, then dissect the scenes about what was realistic and what was just really stupid? Or how I made a map of Hell (yeah, I come from a fantasy novel background; there’s GOTTA be a map) that looks a bit like Manhattan? Or how, based on the cookies now infesting my computer, someone may think that I’m a Satanic stripper?
Other than the above, I got nothing. (See previous answer about me being very boring.)
TOM: Succubus v. Vampire: Who wins?
JACKIE: Going to depend on whether it’s daytime or not, won’t it?
JILL: What was your favorite Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza/Festivus present?
JACKIE: Matt Damon, dipped in chocolate.
Oh, you mean a REAL present. Er. Okay, this is really lame, but LH and I chose not to exchange Hannukah gifts this year. Partially this was due to our two Precious Little Tax Deductions getting bombarded with gifts (Eight! Days! Of! Toys!), and it was a close thing whether we’d have enough money left to send them to college. And part of it is that we are FINALLY acting like grownups and are buying Grownup Furniture for our house. So the living room set we bought in September was sort of our Hannukah gift to each other.
JILL: What one present do you wish you got that you didn’t?
JACKIE: Matt Damon, dipped in chocolate.
CARRIE: What’s the best thing about being a published author (aside from the groupies and fawning fans)?
JACKIE: The groupies and fawning fans who shower me with chocolate. And flowers. 
A million thanks to Jackie for joining us!!! She’s left questions for us to answer, so don’t dawdle: get thee to the comments and answer them.
1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Our guest next week will be Lauren Baratz-Logsted, whose book, Vertigo, is “a literary novel with suspense and erotic undertones that opens on New Year’s Eve 1898.” Good reading for the new year! Let me know if you’ve got questions for her.
In the meantime, have a great weekend and never forget that Colin Firth is the only acceptable Mr. Darcy on film…
xo
Tasha
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Great interview Tasha and Jackie! And great questions.
1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
The Trump Towers, plated in gold. A soulless girl needs a place to live. And perhaps Clive Owen, dipped in chocolate, of course.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
If you don’t answer sex, you’re doing it wrong.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about stripping)?
Pour Some Sugar On Me, by Def Leppard
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Probably serve. There should be lots of interesting people in Heaven, though some of the better parties might happen below.
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
Now that’s a tough one…my soul’s worth a hell of a lot.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Sex. I mean, chocolate’s good, but come on!
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about stripping)?
I think JT’s on to something with Pour Some Sugar On Me.
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Well, I am not a fan of hot weather (which is why, of course, I live in the south), so there’s no way I’m gonna pick Hell.
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
The Hawaiian Islands - inhabitants and all, to serve my ever whim. And a life time supply of Diet Dr. Pepper.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Sex dipped in chocolate.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
Ease. PERFECT GENTLEMAN by Wyclef Jean
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
I’ll serve, thank you. Though JT’s is probably right, the better parties are below.
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All these things dipped in chocolate….wouldn’t they be sticky???
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
To play like Robert Johnson
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Sex with chocolate…
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
So many… off the top of my noggin:
You Can Leave Your Hat on - Joe Cocker
Rough Sex - Lords of Acid
Trip Like I Do - The Crystal Method
Principles of Lust - Enigma
Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
No One Like You - Scorpions
Doin’ It - LL Cool J
and only cuz I saw an amazing one done to this song:
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Serve, baby, serve
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:04 am
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I love Fade Into You. Great song.
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
Shafted. That’s how these stories always end.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Which have I had recently?
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about stripping)?
The BREAKFAST MACHINE cue from PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE.
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Better to try not to be such a dick all the time on Earth.
by Keith
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:12 am
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Uh, just to clarify…
The answers to #3 are all based on personal, private offerings, as it should be.
The pros of the modern day strip clubs, in fact that whole tip is just… lame.
Guys - if you can’t find a real looking woman to strip for you - because she wants to, don’t go pay for some plastic-injected loser to do it because it’s her job.
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:15 am
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I will say, Keith Snyder does a damn fine clothing-optional samba to Little Feat’s “Dixie Chicken.”
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:17 am
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Only because I can’t get my rhumba motion together. Wrong hips for it.
by Keith
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:19 am
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Then there was Jim O.Born’s striptease to the Hendrix version of the National Anthem that opened Sleuthfest a couple of years ago.
Jim has nice thighs.
And eyes.
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:32 am
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Huh. I seem to always miss out on this sort of ribald fun.
Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing…
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
If you’re going to sell your soul, do it how Hellblazer’s John Constantine did in “Dangerous Habits”. Sell it to three different demons so that they can keep you alive forever, or rip each other apart trying to get it.
That said, Raquel Welch circa 1966. Buckskin bikinis, baby! Oh, and dipped in chocolate. Hey, I’m a joiner.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Sex AND chocolate. Along with several bottles of good merlot. Have to have enough for everybody.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
I never thought I’d have anything in common with Guyot, especially after he sent me that GILF t-shirt. I could do without the Scorpions, though.
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Are all you people insane? Reign. It’s hell. All of it. Yours. Imagine the things you could do with the entirety of human evil at your disposal.
Why… you could… I dunno, build a really big bonfire? Watch lawyers battle it out in cage matches? Redecorate?
Besides, the devil gets all the best lines.
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Jim Born’s thighs? Darlings, as one who has been around much longer than most of you - let me just say - from years of…well…let me just say - EVERYTHING about Jim is…luscious.
In fact, just thinking about what I’m going to ask him next month when he’ll be my guest at On The Bubble - is giving me hotflashes.
by Evil E
on January 5th, 2007 at 12:09 pm
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Tasha is right. Colin Firth IS Mr. Darcy.
Jackie, I can’t wait to read HELLE’S BELLES!
1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
It’s gone. I’m a writer. Keith is right. Shafted is how these things end.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Umm… how is this even a question?
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
Oh, so many. “Lady Marmelade”, of course, and for stripping, I prefer the Moulin Rouge version. “Gotcha!” is fun. There’s a reason 9 1/2 WEEKS used “You Can Leave Your Hat On”…
Hmm… instead of panels, can’t we get a strip session going for T Fest this year?
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Serve in Heaven. I’m tired of being in charge.
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Guys - if you can’t find a real looking woman to strip for you - because she wants to, don’t go pay for some plastic-injected loser to do it because it’s her job.
Umm… I assumed we ladies were being stripped for, not doing the stripping. How demeaning.
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Trust me, Jay-Tee…
The last thing you want to see is this doughy white guy removing all.
It would be like looking at a really bright white light. A round, soft, wrinkled bright white light.
With a half-eaten roll of Tums sticking out of the middle.
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 1:35 pm
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Isn’t there a slang term for a woman who looks great in her clothes, but the minute she starts undressing it’s like popping a can of biscuits? That could be you, G!
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Yeah, JT, it ain’t pretty.
Half a bottle of Jaeger and Guyot’s just tossing the clothes to the wind, twirling a jockstrap around like it’s a feather boa. I still have a blind spot in my left eye from seeing him prancing on the lawn at Thrillerfest last year.
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Yeah, I needed that Tums image.
by Keith
on January 5th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
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If your stomach is upset…….
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
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Aren’t you supposed to be writing?
by Keith
on January 5th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
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Yes.
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
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Have we hijacked Tasha’s post long enough?
by Guyot
on January 5th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
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No.
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Checked with Rainman Husband –
The term is…
Flabalanche.
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Gosh, I leave the house for a couple of hours and look at all the fun I miss!
Can’t say I’ve ever experienced the disappointment of someone looking good in clothes and bad without them. That would be sad; oh so sad.
And, yeah, JT, who said the ladies are doing the stripping???
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
I would never sell my soul, but I would trade all my talents or abilities to be able to play a guitar like Eddie Van Halen.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Depends on who is dipped in the chocolate.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
“You can take your hat off” by Joe Cocker
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Isn’t that the point of Heaven? Its tempting to think about whipping the likes of Jeff Dalmer or osama bin laden at will. But I’ll still take Heaven every day.
by James Lavish
on January 5th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
A #1 hit record…and probably a Grammy to go with it.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
And I have to choose why?
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
It’s Raining Men
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Serve, serve, serve.
by Carrie
on January 5th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
Cash. Lots and lots of cash. That’s it. I’m just that simple and mercenary.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
I refuse to be hemmed in like this. Sex, chocolate, fast cars, hard music. I want it all.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
You Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
I’m tired of serving. I’m into reigning these days. Ask me again next year, maybe I’ll get tired of the whole reigning thing.
by Kristy
on January 6th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
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I love these answers!
by Jackie
on January 8th, 2007 at 10:32 am
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
Well, I actually had to sell my soul already. It was 1994. I believe I got $1.75. Bus fare essentially. Well worth it.
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Chocolate. Chocolate is better. Period. I mean, you know, good chocolate. Not Tootsie Rolls or anything.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Try it and I think you’ll agree.
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
DUUUH. Reigning in Hell is what it’s all about. I don’t even wana GO to Heaven, let alone have to wait freakin’ tables there or something.
by nathan
on January 11th, 2007 at 2:18 am
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1. If you decided to sell your soul, what would you get in exchange?
Perfect souls are priceless 
2. What’s better: sex or chocolate?
Sex with someone covered in chocolate.
3. What’s the ultimate stripping song (songs to strip to, not songs about
stripping)?
Definitely Cherry Pie - Warrant.
4. Better to reign in Hell, or serve in Heaven?
Serve. Eventually being perfect makes it easy to work your way up the food chain
by Aymi
on April 11th, 2007 at 3:15 am
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[…] My Dear Creator wouldn’t shut up about how I’m not the only one getting interviewed; she is, too. So, in an effort to muzzle Jackie, come to the Good Girls Kill For Money Club and read Jackie’s interview. One thing I’ll say about her: she asks some interesting questions at the end. […]
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