Mr. Thrilling and I were having a pleasant evening at home last night. The fire was crackling–as was the ice in the gin and tonic. Our plates were heaped with a hedonistic spread of hors douvres and HARPER was the featured film on the DVD player.

HARPER, for those of you who aren’t big fans of 60s PI flicks, was William Goldman’s screen adaptation of Ross Macdonald’s THE MOVING TARGET. Paul Newman plays Lew Harper (AKA Lew Archer in the books) and the cast features such luminaries as Lauren Bacall, Julie Harris, Janet Leigh and Arthur Hill. Anyway, it’s an entertaining if somewhat dated effort–not as strong as the later THE DROWNING POOL–but Newman does a great job of imbuing Harper/Archer with the personality he so sorely lacks in the novels.

But I’m not going to blog about HARPER and whether you should use your Netflix credits on it or not.  Nooooo. My topic today is Men. Subtitled The Evil Bastards We Marry Who Then Turn Around and Sell Us Down the Ri—ahem.

Perhaps I’d better explain.

We’re getting to the very end of Harper — oops! SPOILER ALERT!!!!

It turns out that Harper’s best friend Albert Graves (played by Arthur Hill), his long time pal and the man who recently saved his life, has killed heartless bastard (and kidnap victim) What’s His Name Sampson. And Harper says that he has to turn Albert in. And Albert says he can’t let Lew do that. Lew says in that case Albert had better use his gun before Lew gets to the front door…

And Lew gets just about to the front door and he throws up his hands like he just…gives up. And Albert meanwhile has dropped the gun because he can’t kill his old pal.

So I turn to the Evil Bastard formerly known as Mr. Thrilling, and I says, says I, “So what does that mean? He couldn’t turn him in, right?”

And EB formerly MT says, “No, he’s just sick of everything. He has to turn him in, he committed murder.”

“Well, he didn’t mind when Albert killed somebody to save his life.”

“Well, that was different.”

“He killed an evil heartless person who everyone hated and who was ruining everyone’s life.”

“He committed MURDER.” And he’s starting to get that HELLO, YOU CRAZY BLOOD-THIRSTY AMERICANS DON’T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND KILLING IS WRRRRRRONG!”

“HE’S HIS BEST FRIEND. HE JUST SAVED HIS LIFE.”

“HE COMMITTED MURDER!”

So I am scowling into my gin and tonic and I say, “Well, I wouldn’t turn my best friend in–and I don’t believe you would either.”

“I certainly would.”

“Really? Okay, what if it was a family member?”

“We’re talking murder! Yes, I would have to turn that person in.”

“Well, I wouldn’t. I certainly wouldn’t turn in someone in my family. Not if they had a good reason!”

“You gotta be kidding me! If it was left up to your family half the population would be wiped out.”

“With good reason!”

Thank God the windows are shut because the neighbors would be loving this. You can see where this is going. And so could I but I just had to keep pushing.

“So would you turn me in?”

“Yes. If you committed murder?”

“But if I had a good reason?”

“How can you justify murder?”

“It’s ME. You know me. If I killed someone I’d have to have a really good reason, right?”

“I’d try to stop you.”

He knows how goal oriented I am!

“You better not! I’m not threatening you, but you’d better not! And you’d better not turn me in!”

“I’d try and talk you into giving yourself up.”

That’s his concession! He’d try to talk me into giving myself up first. Before he turned me in.

So now I’m really getting perturbed. “I wouldn’t turn you in!”

“I’m a more moral person than you.”

Holy moly. You’d think he WANTED to pick a fight with me.

“Well, I wouldn’t have. Now I would. Now you better not so much as jaywalk, Mr. Maple Leaf!”

“Hey, I’d have to turn you in because knowing you, once you knew that I knew, my days would be numbered.”

Okay, I did laugh, but I’m little nonplussed. Maybe he is more moral than me. Maybe I’m less moral than I thought, but I would most certainly hesitate to turn in a loved one–maybe because I can’t picture anyone I love killing without a seriously valid reason.

I guess it turns out that there are two kinds of people in the world. Mystery writers who think it’s okay to sometimes let the murderer get away, and those who do not.

So the heavy philosophical question for an early Monday morning is: Would you turn in your dearly beloved spouse or significant other if she/he committed murder…for a really really good reason? And that “good reason” would be determined by this is the person you know and love now, not some serial killer you suddenly discover you’re married to.

And please do not speak to me of the Maltese Falcon. Not if you value your life.