Exhibit #1
~He looked around quickly, assessing any potential risks he may have missed. But there were none. The hour he’d chosen was perfect—foot traffic was low as was the number of tellers on duty. It was now or never.
Adjusting the foliage around his face, he stepped toward the counter.~
Yep. You read that right. Foliage.
Exhibit #2
~He slipped his hand into the pocket of his jeans and froze. The ransom letter he’d painstakingly cut and pasted together was missing, leaving him with nothing to hand the teller.
Did he give up? Go home? Try again another day?
No. He needed the cash. Now.
Reaching into his other pocket, he tore a check from his checkbook and rapidly scrawled five words across the paper.
GIVE ME ALL YOUR CASH!!!.~
That’s right. His own check.
Ahhhhhh. The mind of a criminal… Devious, cunning, intelligent, perceptive, organized, quick, and sneaky. At least that’s the kind of criminal mystery writers are expected to deliver–smart crooks in crimes that could really happen. Not bumbling idiots who dress themselves as trees and/or use their own check to rob a bank.
I mean, puh-leeeeeezzzzzeeee. That stuff simply doesn’t happen in the real world.
Right?
Wrong.
While I may have set the stage on my own, Mr. Foliage man and Mr. Personal-Check-Turned-Robbery-Note were real-life criminals.
Yup. Real.
And, believe it or not, they’re only two examples of stupid criminals—the kind of crooks you just can’t get away with in fiction because they’re too “unrealistic.”
So tell me, dear readers, what kind of crime do you enjoy in a book? Do you prefer ones that are perfectly executed, or those that are fraught with mishaps? Is there a fictional or real-life crime that sticks out in your mind because of the criminal’s stupidity?
And one last question… If YOU were to rob a bank in a stupid unique way, how might you go about it? I’ll send a copy of Forecast of Evil to the two most creative answers.
Have at it…
Hugs,
~Laura
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Great topic. I took an advanced fiction class and we spent a week discussing “Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction” You hear about the twins that never knew they were twins until accidentally meeting in an airport in Tibet. That’s fiction, but you get my drift.
Two glaring examples we discussed were both Critchon books/movies. Jurassic Park and Congo.
Jurassic Park: the entire time we are told that once Velociraptor has you in its sights, you’re dead. They’re so smart, fast and deadly. So the final scene and our group of heroes and heroines are trapped in the visitor’s center with no way out; surrounded by Raptors. Suddenly, T-Rex breaks in and saves them. Sam Neil lives to star in another movie. What timing! Did you ever wonder how that BIG T-Rex broke into the the building?
Congo: Solomon’s mine has been around for centuries. Now at the begining of the tale, seizmic activity will destroy the place in a matter of days! Oh my. Now the plot must quicken.
I don’t think I’ve EVER planned anything that has gone exactly as I thought. I perfer my stories flawed.
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LOL I heard about Check-man, but Foliage-boy was new to me.
The funniest criminals I remember (fictional though they may be) are the couple from Ruthless People, who kidnap Bette Middler and hold her for ransom.
I don’t really have a preference for how a mystery is written, as long as the bad guys get it in the end. (Even if the bad guy isn’t necessarily the one who committed the crime, if you know what I mean.)
Can’t think of a single stupid crime this morning. If I come up with something later, I’ll be back. =o)
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I spent some time in banking, and we had a guy try to pull off a robbery once by sending a note through the drive-through. This particular drive-through had garage type doors on either end, that were lowered at the end of each day, so the teller took the note, hit the button to close the outside doors, and trapped the guy until the police could arrive and cart him off. Highly amusing.
In fiction, I’m partial to mishaps. Westlake, anyone? I prefer my mysteries funny. Elizabeth Peters’s Vicky Bliss series is one of my favorites partly because poor John somehow never seems to pull off that perfect job he has planned because Vicky always gets in the way. (And may I say that I just couldn’t be more tickled that EP is writing another Vicky Bliss book!)
Do I survive my stupid robbery attempt or do I fail and go to jail? It’s a lot more difficult to come up with a workable scenario if I have to make sure it might actually succeed. If all I have to do is try to rob a bank in the stupidest way possible, that’s no problem. The trick is to actually get away with the money. At least out into the street, until the dye-bomb goes off and ruins everything…
by JennieB
on October 9th, 2007 at 8:07 am
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I’d like to add that flaws in fiction have to be done right too. I’ve seen too many novels where the flaw is so deliberate it takes you out of the story.
I think sometimes authors know where they want the story to go and can’t figure out how to get there, so they throw in some stupidity that leads the story in the direction the author needs it to go.
Bottom line, I think a lot of it comes down to your characters. If they are brilliant and meticulous throughout the novel and then pull some bonehead stunt that changes the direction of the book, something is wrong.
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If I gave anyone the impression that I enjoy boneheaded stupidity in characters I read or write about, I’m sorry. Absolutely I agree with Will that having a meticulous, smart character do something idiotic because it’s the only way the writer can resolve the issue, is dumb, not to say wrong. I do enjoy seeing meticulous, brilliant characters getting tripped up by unforeseen events. Especially if it shows up some deep, as-yet-unseen-but-hinted-at aspect of their personality, like the fact that they can’t bear to break the antique leaded glass window to get out of the house, or they put up with an accomplice who just can’t resist grabbing a bag of M&Ms from the kids’ halloween stash, giving the whole game away.
by JennieB
on October 9th, 2007 at 9:11 am
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I like reading about criminals who are able to plan, execute and get away with elaborate schemes. Which means I like reading fantasy.
The thing about most criminals is that they are in a class of stupid that redefines stupid.
It’s amazing the things people get up to when they don’t have brains in their heads. Knew a guy once who went around proudly showing off his gunshot wound (entrance and exit). Seems he and a buddy had been stealing tools from a construction site. They’d rip them off and then go get drunk behind a cement mixer. The guy they’d been stealing from found them, took the tools back and said that if they ever did it again, he would shoot them.
So they went and did it again.
I like the guys who have never heard of dye packs. Last year three guys ripped off a check cashing place, got a few blocks away before the packs went off, blowing all the cash out the windows of their car. Right next to the police cruiser that was coming the other direction responding to the call.
Another guy had the dye pack blow up in his face while he was walking out of a bank about 6 months later. We get those about twice a year out here.
And then there are all those guys who get picked up at the bus stop after knocking over a Wells-Fargo, or crash their car in a high speed chase while being covered by police helicopters. We have a lot of helicopters out here.
Now, if I were to rob a bank? Nope. I’m keeping that one to myself. You never know.
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‘The thing about most criminals is that they are in a class of stupid that redefines stupid.’
As somebody once said, if they weren’t stupid, they wouldn’t be criminals.
by JennieB
on October 9th, 2007 at 9:24 am
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Jennie,
Sorry, I hadn’t read your comment before I wrote my second one.
Actually, I was thinking about a friend of mine that had written, what seemed to be, the perfect crime. He had thought about everything. He wrote it so good, it was unsolvable. So he went back and seeded some rather stupid evidence so the crime could be solved.
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I have thought about it, and come up with a plan. We schedule the robbery for a month when the 3rd falls on a Friday. The banks keep more money in the teller windows that day, to cash social security checks as well as paychecks. We hit early enough in the morning that most of the money is still there. We send Tasha in first, to distract the security guard and any other men on the premises. Then the rest of us go in, disguised as senior citizens. Nobody suspects us, because we look so innocent in our octogenerian makeup and support hose. We make sure there are enough of us to be at every teller window at the same time, and then we hand in our demand notices simultaneously. Since we’re all aware of dye-packs, we manage to avoid them, and since we’re not really old, we get out the door just as the police come screeching around the corner two blocks away in response to the silent alarm. Tasha flings herself into the guard’s arms in fear, and keeps him from doing anything to stop us. We pile into our car, ripping off wigs and costumes as we go, and 60 seconds later we’re back to looking like ourselves (young and gorgeous, I mean). The police spare us nary a glance. Since Tasha has magical fairy-princess hair that would be recognizable anywhere, anytime, we leave her behind to talk her way out of complicity with the rest of us, and meet up with her later. It could work…
by JennieB
on October 9th, 2007 at 10:41 am
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I enjoy reading AOL’s “Weird News” because inevitably there’s a story about a stupid criminal.
We had a guy here in Cincinnati running from the cops, but was slowed down by his droopy pants (belt, anyone?). He decided to ditch his drawers to get away, but, ahem, left his wallet in them.
by Heather
on October 9th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
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Theo already read “Forecast of Evil”, so what’s the point? If you want to pique Theo’s interest, offer valuable cash prizes instead.
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Will, interesting points. I’ll take just about anything if a story is good–but, like you, I despise things that were obviously thrown in at the last minute.
Jennie, LOVE your bank robbery scheme. Especially since we get to go “back” (I wish) to being young and gorgeous. Send me your snail mail addy and I’ll get a FofE out to you! laura@laurabradford.com
B.E. wah! you didn’t come back!I remember Ruthless People–LOL!!!
by Laura
on October 9th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
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Stephen, love your examples of stupid criminals. I think the one with the gun shot wound is hysterical. Though the one with the guys and the dye packs exploding in front of the cop has got to be the best. Sounds like a comedy screenplay right there.
Heather, I’d ask if you are serious about the guy with the droopy drawers and his wallet…but after reading about tree guy and personal check robber, I figure it’s the truth. Too funny. Total D’Oh! moment.
Theo, valuable cash prizes, eh? Rob a bank and you can have all the cash prizes you want! 
by Laura
on October 9th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
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Oh yee of little faith.
Let’s see…
How about robbing a bank wearing a fat suit like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor? Nobody would ever know who you were.
Of course, you wouldn’t be able run very fast to get away, and even if you got away, you’d be pretty easy to spot until you got the suit off.
And then there’s the added trouble of finding the professional to make the suit. Someone who, unless you kill them, knows who you are. And unless you destroy all the casts he made of you, you’ll still get caught by the cops because they have your face, and probably DNA stuck to the casting material.
It would actually be less work to… I don’t know… Get a real job? ;o)
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B.E. A fat suit, huh? That actually could be quite comical. And the reason they get caught all the more fun!
As for a real job…nah, where’s the fictional fun in that???
Okay. You get a book too! Email me!
by Laura
on October 9th, 2007 at 10:34 pm
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The one I encounter the most is when we’re using informants or undercover officers to meet or make buys from criminals, and the criminals (who must have a pamphlet that they share—or more likely a DVD since I’m convinced most of them won’t read if it would save their lives) tell our guy, “Hey, are you a cop or working for the cops? You know if you are, you have to tell me so. You can’t lie to me. If you do it’s entrapment.”
We always assure them we’re not the cops. They believe us and later on go to jail.
Also, here’s one–we had a badguy talking with our guy on the phone. Badguy told the undercover. “Hey, I think my phone’s tapped.” “What do you want to do?” the undercover asked. “Let’s talk softer, so they can’t pick it up,” our rocket scientist said.
Another great one—we bust the badguy on a buy-bust scene (ie-genius criminal shoes up with his nefarious wares to exchange with our eratz criminal for money). The badguy’s in cuffs and looks at our undercover, and says, “I knew you were a cop.”
Well, Einstien why did you still do business with us if you thought we were the law?
Duh!
by Rick
on October 10th, 2007 at 9:50 am
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Rick, I imagine you come across a LOT of dum criminals in your job. LOVE the talk softer one.
by Laura
on October 10th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
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